The first few years Elie and I were together, we didn't exchange Christmas gifts, guided by a feeling that we already have so much. But, Christmas morning always felt like something was missing--not the getting, but the joy of giving. Giving a gift to someone you love is a joyful process the whole way through, from the careful consideration of their current passions to discovering that 'just right' handcrafted or artisan gift to watching their face light up as the wrapping drops away. 

I lost my temper yesterday, and I had extreme mom guilt last night. To be honest, I'm a pretty patient person, and I don't lose my cool very often. Almost never, actually. Being an older mom helps with patience, I think. I know I'm generally a more patient person at 43 than I was a 23. I also wanted to be a mother for such a long time, I think I developed a serenity reserve where, most of the time, I just don't sweat the small stuff. But, Elie's been out of town all week on business and neither Theo nor I sleep well when he's gone. Theo is missing Elie, and maybe he has a little extra dose of spunk since starting school. Anyway, tired mama plus tired toddler, and I lost my temper because Theo was ignoring me when he was standing too close to the edge of the embankment leading down to the bay. And then he bit me for the first time--probably in response to me snapping at him. It might also have been a playful bite, because it's very unlike him. It was surprising. And I got mad. 

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Every night, after bath and pajamas and the wrangling that is brushing a willful two-and-a-half year old's teeth, Theo and I go into his room, dim the lights and get ready for sleep. I sit down in the rocking chair and he squeezes in beside me, holding two books. I wrap my arms around him and we read, usually punctuated with me repeatedly kiss the top of his head. Theo always asks for 'one more book,' and sometimes I oblige. But most often, I'll tell him it's bedtime. So he jumps into my lap to delay sleep for just a little longer, for snuggles, bedtime prayers and a song or two.

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This is the second recipe in a four-part series of posts inspired by a meal Elie and I shared in northern Israel in 2012. Six years later, the details of the meal remain sharp in my memory. Here was the first recipe in the series.

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If I ever get a chance to publish a cookbook, these are the kinds of recipes you would find there. Fairly simple, not too fussy, vegetable-heavy, but homey and delicious. Healthy in a nourishing, real foods kind of way. Comfort food, but not the mac-and-cheese kind of comfort food (not that there's anything wrong with mac-and-cheese). Comfort food that tells a story about life and family, seasons and celebrations, those foods that speak to your heart.

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Five years ago today, I married the person I admire most in this world. One day, I will write down our love story. But for today, there are photographs. Photographs of the day we committed ourselves to each other, surrounded by our family and dear friends who sent us into our life together with so much love and prayers and good wishes that we still feel that energy in our marriage today. Five years later, with the sweetest blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy now a part of our family, we still have the same ridiculous, giddy love we did on the day.

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The Pacific Northwest is covered in a haze of smoke right now, which seems to be a new reality for late summer weather. The loss of lives and homes are heartbreaking, and the environmental implications and impact are alarming. For people with asthma or health conditions, it's harmful. For us, it's just a nuisance. And it's driven us all indoors over the past few weeks to look for other ways to spend our summer energy.

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It's funny the food memories that imprint in your mind and never dim. I first had a version of this kale salad at Gjelina in August of 2011. My dear friend, McKenzie, and I were fresh out of our dietetic internship at Bastyr and we road tripped from San Francisco to Los Angeles with Elie, two years before Elie and I were married. It was one of those magical trips that could never be replicated. We were all at a place and time in our lives that necessitated a trip like this--a trip of friendship, filled with days on road, lots of singing and laughter and good food.

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I listen to a lot of podcasts these days. If you read my post on self-care, you'll know that it's one of the things I try to do daily to keep myself engaged and interested in things other than parenting. I rarely listen to parenting podcasts, although I do like this one. My appetite for podcasts tends towards the inspirational and spiritual, and this one, this one and this one are all favorites.  

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I became a mother for the first time one month before my 41st birthday. I don't know if my experience as an 'older' mother is much different from someone who becomes a mother at 21 or 31, but I suspect that it is. Partly because I had 41 years to practice selfishly focusing on myself and my own desires. I don't use the word 'selfish' negatively, but just that I had the freedom to only take care of myself for all those years. Obviously, I was married and I had a career and other obligations, but Elie doesn't need me to take care of him 24/7 and I could make decisions about how much to work or what other commitments I wanted to take on. But a baby changes all of that. A baby needs you all the time.

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